Big Heavy (Dave/John/Bro)

"Yep. I'm pretty fuckin' awesome, man," he said offhandedly. As soon as Bro was out of earshot, he grinned at his derpy friend. This was a prime chance for heckling and harassment. "So did you get a look at his dick?" He watched John's face, which had been steadily fading to a normal skin tone, turn bright scarlet again. Oh man was this ever priceless. He needed to start snapping pictures.

Dammit, he was never going to keep a normal complexion in the Strider house at this rate!

"Dave," he hissed, looking out the door for the long gone Bro. He licked his lips nervously, then turned his gaze to the floor. "No," he said, equal parts embarrassed and disappointed. "He almost dropped the towel, almost." Jeez, he sounded like a huge pervert. "Ugh, sorry dude this is super weird isn't it?" He scratched the back of his head awkwardly.

Dave let out a little 'snrk' of repressed laughter and shook his head, setting the record he was looking at aside on the floor. He crawled across the floor and slid up beside his friend, putting an arm around his shoulders. "Dude, you wanna see it so bad just go fuckin' ask him. He will not care. I fuckin' guarantee it. If he acts offended, he's just fuckin' with your head, man. Seriously, just go ask, or I'll do it for you." He wouldn't, actually; not at this point at least. That method would be saved for a last resort in case this drug on longer than he intended and got to be obnoxious. But, hey, if he had an ultimatum, then maybe he'd actually do something interesting.

"No! I couldn't do that!" John balked at the thought, shaking his head violently. But the other option, Dave asking, was equally silly. It was just so gradeschool. Having a messenger to tell your crush you liked them. But with dicks. The brunet moved his lip back and forth between his teeth in nervous thought.

"Okay, how bout this?" he proposed out of desperation, "Like, a deadline, if I don't see it or ask him by the end of the weekend then you can ask him for me." He smiled at Dave, eyebrows raised hopefully with his hands clasped in front of him in a pleading gesture. He could always just lie and say he'd seen it if he failed.

Dave raised an eyebrow, staring off into space as if he were really thinking hard about the situation. After pretending to mull it over for a few seconds, just long enough for John to start to get nervous, he shrugged. "Yeah, whatever, Egderp. You have till the end of the weekend, and then I'm gonna have to hold a little intervention for the two of you. ...or should I say the three of you?" He suppressed a grin as he turned back to his box of records.

"Oh, hey, what should we make for dinner tonight?"

"Urgh!" John punched Dave lightly on the shoulder, regretting ever asking about dick sizes in the first place. It's not like he knew that's what he was asking about anyway! Still, he sighed in relief, already thinking about how he was going to achieve this most exalted of goals. It would just require some finesse and cunning.

He was deep in thought when he finally processed Dave's question. "Huh? Oh... hmm...maybe spaghetti?" Suddenly, John got an idea suddenly, his eyes lighting up and then narrowing slyly, no master of pokerfacery. "We should make home made ice cream," he said, all but rubbing his hands together mischievously. "And we can have dessert in here, you can give us a debut of your track when you perfect it." Oh yes, this was a most dastardly and devious scheme.

Dave gave him an odd look, raising one eyebrow clear up over the rim of his shades. Clearly John was up to something nefarious, but what could be evil about making ice cream? What sort of crazy, evil plot could the boy have in store for them? Dave knew John was a prankster, but that combined with the cooking of food was kind of... worrisome.

"Uh, sure, bro. Whatcha got in mind?"

((Wow, took me two weeks to realize I used "suddenly" twice in the same sentence in my last reply. Don't hold it against me.))

"Oh, nothing, what flavor should we make?" John said, raising his hands innocently. He wasn't sure he should let Dave in on his plot. But oh man, it was just so good, he didn't think he could keep it to himself till tonight. He worried his bottom lip, a habit he'd been having trouble kicking as he considered it.

Finally, "Okay okay, I'm gonna make homemade ice cream, which melts pretty fast, right?" he began, looking to Dave for agreement. "And so, I'm gonna 'accidentally,'" he used finger-quotes and all, " spill it on your Bro's lap. And so he'll have to go change his pants, and since we'll be in here, he'll do it out in the main room." His cheeks colored a bit for the next part. "And then I'll 'accidentally,'" more finger-quotes, "walk in on him. I'll see his dick, run out all embarrassed and stuff, you won't have to tell him, job well done! My gambit's gonna explode."

He watched Dave's face, looking for any sign of approval, putting in extra effort to account for his friend's pokerface.

((It's cool bro, don't sweat it. Hell, it took me two weeks to reply. That's much worse, IMHO))

Dave gave his friend a long, measured look, keeping any emotions carefully contained behind the pokerface. He knew the suspense was just killing John, and he liked it just fine that way; had to redeem his honor somehow, since he wasn't the one who came up with that brilliant plan. He hated to admit it, but the derp was a pretty smart kid sometimes, not to mention deviously cunning as fuck.

"...You're a real bastard, you know that?" he asked. "I would hate to be on the hurtin' side of one of your pranks, John."

John clapped his hands together in delight. That was pretty much the king's honor as far as compliments from Dave went. "Awesome! So, what flavor of ice cream should we make? Anything but chocolate. I don't wanna stain your Bro's pants!"

Oh man he was so psyched for this awesome plan. It was perfect, he could see no flaws whatsoever. He would get to see Bro's purportedly massive endowment and it could totally be blamed on his dorky clumsiness. Sometimes John's lame reputation could pay off. Even if it was in a totally weird and kind of perverted way. No! No it wasn't! It was totally natural boyhood curiosity. Nothing pervy about it at all.

"Dude, he would never admit it, but Bro totally loves banana ice cream." He managed to successfully suppress his smirk at furthering this huge clusterfuck of dick jokes. "It would be badass if we made some." He didn't actually know if Bro 'loved' banana ice cream, but on the rare occassion they had the spare cash to go out and eat, he did like to get those banana milkshakes from Steak N Shake. It didn't seem to be ironic in any way, so Dave just assumed he actually liked it.

"Hehe, does he like nuts on is ice cream too?" John asked, joining in on the shitty junk japes. "I dunno if bananas count as badass dude, but sure. I'll just have to run to the store and pick some up. Oh, and some salt. And some ice. Did you know your ice thingy is full of cherry bombs, Dave?" He shook his head disapprovingly, though it was mostly a joke. He knew there was no point in lecturing the Striders about the state of their kitchen, even if it did make things kind of difficult for cooking. "Man this better be worth it with all the trouble I'm going through. Your Bro better be huge!" He went red as soon as he finished, suddenly realizing how ridiculous and super gay he sounded.

Dave snorted and shook his head, giving John a playful shrug. It was hilarious the things this anticipation was doing to his friend. It wasn't wearing thin yet, but he suspected that it wouldn't be long. Probably right around the time that he ran out of new euphemisms for cocks.

"Sure, bro. You want me to go to the store with you, man? I dunno a lot about fruit, but I'm sure I could help ya pick out some nice, ripe bananas. Maybe we could get some kiwis, too, just for kicks."

"Are you trying to make a size comparison here? Banana and kiwis? Is that what I'm supposed to expect? Not that impressive, I gotta say." He shrugged, shaking his head as if in disappointment. "I mean, the way you were talking it up I woulda thought cucumber and...I dunno tangerines?" He was practically snorting with laughter now, infinitely amused. "Sure, you can come with me, it's always fun when you give a shit about food."