Provocation of a Fluke (Bro/Karkat)

Karkat opened his mouth to saying something that would have appeared like he was about to holler before his better judgement decided against it and his expression weakened.
Note to self: Don't get on creepy Bro's bad side.

So, so creepy.

He shuddered, "Y-Yeah, sure, whatever. I'm fine. We're cool. Who isn't cool here?"
Ok, he was lying, clearly, but he was willing to say just about anything if it would get him as far away from this freak as possible.
As soon as he got the chance, he was going to sprint back into Dave's room, lock the door, barricade it with the heaviest furniture he could find and go into fetal position in the furthest corner of the room, trying to forget everything that he heard slip through this human's lips. It was vile and he wanted it out of his head ASAP.

"You are so clearly not cool that even nerds are cooler than you. Fuck, even the Derp is cooler than you at this moment in time." Bro smirked. "Thank you, come again."

Karkat took a deep breath, trying to calm the rage that was building up as Bro spoke.
Just.
Going.
To.
Chill.

Attempt failed.

"This would be a lot easier if you weren't fucking breathing down my neck, asshat."
Jegusfuckingchrist, he didn't just say that.
Nonono, if he could just physically grab that speech bubble and stuff it back in his head, he would do just that. But there was no way he was going to sink low enough to apologize for saying that. The damage had already been done.

Bro chuckled. "Well you gotta ask me nice, otherwise I could stay here all day. For a little dude, you sure are comfortable." Really he was just fucking with him. Karkat's vertebrae were digging into his ass in the most uncomfortable way. But if he didn't lay down the law now, Karkat wouldn't respect him later.

Which was worse? Being used as a pail or a seat cushion? Freakish, human genital juice on one side, monkey butt on the other. Then again, monkey butt sounded a million times more pleasant than something with the words 'genital juice' in its title.

Karkat groaned irritably, "Ok, get the fuck off me, please."

"Not cool enough." Bro replied, smirking. "Are you even capable of talking without the word 'fuck' ripping itself from your tongue?"

He prodded one of Karkat's nubby little horns for good measure.

Karkat gasped at the unexpected stimulation, twisting his head away from Bro as he smacked away the violating hand, "DON'T."

He didn't want to elaborate, but internally he was going haywire with all the different forms of fucked up that simple action just was.
Those are fucking sensitive, nook-snorting bastard!

He might as well have just thumbed the head of his bulge.

If Bro wanted to talk about being cool and uncool, he should know that he had just stepped WAY past the line of 'uncool' right there and Karkat made it known by having a second stare-down with him. Only this time he was glaring as fiercely as he could to get the point across that that was a no-fly zone.

"Oh, I'm sorry, are those sensitive?" Bro smirked. He raised his hand as if he were going to do it again. "You should never give up your weak spots bro. Bad move."

Bro really didn't seem to have any idea what type of 'weak spot' he was calling Karkat out on. To a troll, it was pretty much the equivalent of admitting that getting kicked between the legs was a weak spot. No duh, that's where our junk is. Only, well, humans didn't seem to think troll's horns any different from that of any other dumb animal's.

He remembered watching an episode on Animal Planet with John once where they viewed two mountain goats fighting each other, their horns locking against one other's. John saw it as nothing more than two animals fighting over a female. Karkat saw it as two animals frotting on public television.

Desperately, he covered his horns with his hands, trying to ignore the warm sensation it gave him as he retorted to the ignorant man on top of him, "Ok-ok-ok! Please get off of me, you win, I'll stop yelling at you- just NEVER touch these again, ok?"

"You gotta give me a little more to go on than that" Bro smirked. "Why shouldn't I touch them? You got some sort of kinky horn fetish?" He prodded the back of Karkat's head.

"I-wh-NO." Karkat blanched at that notion. Humans and all of their weird worded bullshit.
"It's pretty much the same for every troll. You just don't touch our horns, ok? It's like-" He did not want to be having this conversation right now, especially when it would pretty much be him explaining that trolls had nerves in their horns more sensitive than the human clitoris.

"-it'd be like touching my bone bulge, alright? It's gross and I wouldn't do that to you and you shouldn't do that to me. It's that fucking simple."

Bro snorted. "No wonder why you're so angry then. I would be too if I had nubby horns. Everyone would think I had a tiny bone bulge too." He got up. "But I happen to not need to compensate for anything."

Karkat scrambled back onto his feet and quickly retrieved his sickle, growling at Bro, "You want me to calm down? You want me to chillax?"
He turned so that he was facing Bro, pointing his weapon at him, "Then leave me alone." and with that, he tucked his sickle away and headed towards the stairs, cussing up a storm under his breath.

Bro flash-stepped in front of him with a smirk. "No can do. especially if it bothers you. You're my entertainment now, and if you want me to feed you, you'll deal with it."

The thought of 'entertaining' Bro sent all kinds of unwanted imagery through the troll's head. No way was he getting sucked into this human's twisted mind games. He officially now had a better understanding of Dave's contempt towards his older brother.

Karkat would sooner eat every smuppet in that apartment before he agreed to such a win-lose deal.
But he would never let Bro know that.
"Feed me? You don't even feed your own brother! Isn't it all, 'fend for yourself' around here? Because I really think I can manage without your help."

"Dave's idea of fending for himself is heating up a frozen burrito." Bro snorted. "You wouldn't last a day here by yourself. Got the whole place rigged."

That much was true, there were so many booby traps, the troll would likely hurt himself if left to his own devices for long.

Karkat wasn't about to be one-upped by that little shit stain Dave. If he could survive in this apartment, who says a troll couldn't? A moron who can only manage two different expressions and wears women's sun glasses, that's who.
But...
Practically speaking, it probably wasn't the best idea to have someone who could appear out of thin air sabotaging him left and right.

He rubbed his eyes, answering in a defeated tone, "Alright. Al-fucking-right. If it means I don't have to get rockets blown up in my face or a bear trap snapping my fucking ankle in two, FINE."

Dealing with Bro couldn't be much worse than the eleven different trolls he had to put up with during his time in The Veil, right?

"Why would I maim you? Maiming isn't cool." Bro smirked. "I'd rather have you in one piece so I can watch you run around in a panic. And then mess with you some more."

Bro would have thought that living with the Egberts, Karkat would have had to endure their endless pranking. Or that it would have at least wised him up to booby traps. "Besides that, trips to the ER aren't cool. The hospital here is a joke."

Maiming.

All Karkat could think about when he heard that word was when Tavros had his legs lopped off with a chainsaw in his sleep. In his sleep.

Chocolate milk blood, splattered as far as the eye can see.

So maybe Karkat was a bit paranoid, but could anyone really blame him? How could he know what the fuck Bro got off on after having known him for less than an hour? Some trolls considered many different, absurdly cruel things entertaining. Vriska was a fine example of just that.

Karkat snorted mockingly, "Your whole SPECIES is a joke."

Bro shrugged off the comment with a smirk. "Then how come you can't beat me?" He was a lot more amused by this than he should have been.

"Oh I don't know- cheating? Our significant age difference? I don't fucking know and I don't fucking care."
Spoken like a true loser.
Actually, Karkat really had no idea how much older Bro was than himself. Judging by appearance alone, he'd have to place a bet on Bro being well into his twenties by Earth years' standards. So if that was true, they still weren't really too far apart age-wise. His arguments were just beating themselves up now.

"I'm not that much older than you actually" Bro smirked. "I mean, I'm not even thirty yet. You're what, like sixteen? That's only like twelve thirteen years between us."

"Sixteen?"
Did Karkat really look that young?
"Try again. Like, add another couple of fucking years to that. I mean, if you can add two. Or is that too big of a number?"
He knew he shouldn't be patronizing Bro, but he was a troll. It's what trolls do.

"There's no way. There's no way, you don't even look old enough to be sixteen" Bro snorted. "I was pushing it when I said sixteen. There's only like ten years difference then."

Karkat was getting sick of all of this manhood belittling. First Bro's teasing him about his horns, then his bulge size in correspondence to his horns, now his age?

It was clear that every instance he tried to piss off the human, it just bounced right off him and back on the troll like they were playing hot potato with a grenade.

Maybe if he just didn't say anything, he could convince the asshole that his irritation wasn't amusing in the slightest? But he really didn't like having no come back to use against the man, admitting another defeat. Fucking bastard. At the same time though, if he persisted, it was clearly not going to be within Karkat's best interests.

So it looks like he was just going to have to give Bro the silent, fuming treatment.